i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
