If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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