Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
