Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
