he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
