My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
