The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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