I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
