apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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