Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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