I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
