I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
