You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
