the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Acid is not a monday night drug
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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