is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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