also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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