if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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