So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
