you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
