I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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