I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
