At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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