There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
