Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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