i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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