you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
