Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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