Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
