i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
