Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
