im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
