I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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