dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
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Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize