I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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