Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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