it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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