How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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