You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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