At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
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Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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