i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
