$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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