me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
