Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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