She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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