girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i've created a new STD.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
