I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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