I just saw a hot homeless man
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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