At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
