Moan for me like Helen Keller
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
