YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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