Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
