how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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