I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
