I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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