I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
