Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dignity is for republicans.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine