Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now