Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams