I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.