ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
