Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
