I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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