You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
