He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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